And You Thought Crabs Were Uncomfortable...

Is this image sexy to you? Probably, if you like vagina (yes!), labial clamps (sometimes?) and spiders (NO!). But regardless of the picture's prurient merits, I've really got to know what kind of idiot lets someone stick a Chilean Rose Hair tarantula on her hoo-hah.

Would it bite? Probably not. Chilean Rose Hairs are actually fairly friendly, as tarantulas go. Unfortunately, they're also covered in Type III urticating hairs, which are "one of the primary defense mechanisms used by some tarantulas ... barbed hairs that cover the dorsal and posterior surface of the tarantula's abdomen".

OK, so the urticating hairs on a Rose Hair aren't terribly bad compared to the kinds you find on some other spiders, and don't typically bother humans too badly -- like a mild nettle sting. But then they typically don't wind up between a woman's nether lips, either. It would be like... have you ever accidentally touched yourself after chopping peppers or spilling hot sauce on your hands? Yeah. Like that. Screaming agony for hours and hours. Can you imagine a nettle sting on your most intimate of intimates?

And if she's allergic... oh God. That poor woman.

(Hey, can anyone help me track down the origin of that picture?)

Found here, via Sarah Hepola on Scanner. Credit to Jill for helping me ID the spider.

Putting The "Icon" In "Lexicon"

In addition to "Hobonanism", which is if course the act of masturbation performed by a homeless person, I'd also like to lay official claim to the word "hoboner", which is pretty self-explanatory, I feel.

Is "Hobonanism" A Word?

The right-wing Christian blogosphere is all abuzz with the shocking news that Sacramento's Public Library Authority voted to affirm the right of their libraries' patrons to access pornography on library computers. Now, in general, when forces friendly to the 1st Amendment triumph over the paternalistic, prudish people that would prohibit the proletariat's access to pornography (see what I did there?), I cheer. But this case... well, I'm still cheering, but it's a small, highly qualified sort of celebration.

Obviously a public library is designed to be a source of both educational and entertaining media, and I'd be lying if I said that in my misspent youth I didn't avail myself of some of the more explicit, salacious examples of that media. But I didn't, ahem, avail in the library. I did so at home, in private, where such behaviour typically belongs.

Listen, if someone wants to look at porn in a library (with headphones, if there's sound!), I have no problem with that -- so long as all they do is look. If they want to print it out or record it, take it home and avail, more power to them (hopefully they're availing to a legitimately purchased copy of The Bi Apple). But what if... what if they don't have a home?

Yes, that's right: While protecting our rights as adult citizens to access the full spectrum of media from a platform which we pay for with our tax dollars, the Sacramento Public Library Authority has also made their educational edifices a haven for masturbating hobos. Now look, I know that some of you might be very pleased by the thought of hobos pleasuring themselves, and I'm not going to judge you for doing so -- but I am saying it's wrong for hobos to manually pleasure themselves in a public library.

More seriously, this is a bit of a sticky (no pun intended) issue. Should adults be allowed to access pornography? Yes, absolutely. But the primary purpose of a public library is not to help its patrons get off, and I don't see an easy, cut-and-dry way of balancing the rights of the individual grown-up to look at whatever disgusting filth they desire with the library's stated purpose of maintaining a a safe, welcoming and comfortable environment for the public.

Hm. If only any professional librarians read this blog. I bet they'd have something insightful to say on the topic!

Blown Off (But Not That Way)

So I decided to take up Melissa Gira's challenge to ask someone that I want to kiss for a kiss, and what better person to ask than Melissa's co-editor (and Bi Apple cameo star) Lux Nightmare, of whose hot pink fishnets I had previously blogged rhapsodic here. I mean, why not? She's smart, she's hot, and she was conveniently online.

The result? Well, to spare my tender ego I won't quote the actual conversation (or Lux's hysterical laughter), but let's just say that I have some doubt that Ms. Nightmare and I will be locking lips any time soon. Not that hope doesn't spring eternal, but I suspect that my approach of "How 'bout a kiss?" might have lacked a certain... suaveness.

Hey, she said she couldn't spare me more than a minute, and I didn't want to waste her time with some fancy oblique approach. Brevity is the soul of wit, right?

Right?

Ms. Ray

I'm sure that this clip must turn some of you on? Yes? No?

I'm just picturing her making that exact noise in bed, without variation, no matter what it is her partner is doing.

Hey, I'm not a proud man. I'd hit that for 40 dollars a day. *rimshot*

The Key To Comedy Is Timing

Heh heh heh. I was just reading Lux Nightmare's latest post over at Sexerati. My favourite bit:

- If your partner is female, spoon her after sex, placing your hand on her lower abdomen. Patting gently, put your lips to her ear and ask, “Is that the baby we just made?”

That's sheer brilliance! I'm going to have to try it sometime. No, seriously. See, I've got a bizarre sense of humour, and sometimes I can't keep myself from inappropriate hilarity during intimate situations. I don't want to get too detailed, examples-wise, but suffice it to say that calling someone a "Friend of Barbaro" when they ask you to talk dirty to them may result in some unfortunate consequences.

Hey, it was the most degrading thing I could think of at the time. And after a few moments of stunned silence, she laughed too.

If I might add a suggestion to Lux's superlative list, a great way to start off an evening on the right wrong foot is to stand behind your intended companion in a crowded elevator and, just as the doors close, lean forward and whisper "You smell like prey". Make sure you say it just loud enough for everyone to hear.

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On a totally unrelated houseblogkeeping note I added A's Pursuit of Pleasure to the blogroll, and a Technorati link to the end of each post.

Items of Import

1) The Bi Apple is now available on streaming video from our good friends over at TLA Video. It's the entire movie! There's also a bonus sex scene from some other movie at Scene 6, and the entire Bi Apple behind-the-scenes feature (which features my hands and voice!) at Scene 7. You can rent the whole movie for a week for ten bucks, or buy some minutes and watch it at your leisure.

2) I've added Kiss and Tell Kate to the right sidebar. Also, shiny new Feedburner widgets.

3)Happy St. Patrick's Day!

The Holiday Blues

You know, I was never one of those folks that boo-hoo-hooed being single on Valentine's Day. It never really bothered me.

Being single on Steak and a Blowjob Day, on the other hand, is intensely depressing.